Howdy Everyone!
Let me give you guys a background on my story first. I have co-worker who is a gay (and I consider him to be a good friend) and about three years ago he got into a religious group that said they could help him overcome and battle his (and I quote what he said) “Gay Demons.” He also told me that they treat being gay as if it is a mental disorder that needs to be cured. Overall they feel that it is a condition that can be changed. He went through a few classes and support groups and was proclaimed to be cured. He still attends support groups and he has a sponsor, kind of like with AA. He married a woman that following year and entered into his first ever heterosexual relationship.
Now it is two years later and he is still married and from what he says he is happy. However he says his wife is not. She feels that they don’t enough sex and he asked me what he should do about it. He is in his late forties and he says they don’t do it much because his sex driver isn’t what it used to be.
Usually when he talks to me I very rarely give him advice I tend to listen and say neutral things like “This is your life you need to decide what is right for you,” or “Maybe you should talk this out with your wife” or “It really doesn’t matter what I think.” When I ask him if he is still attracted to men, he tells me that he is and that when he is intimate with his wife he usually will think of her as a man. I told him that I would be insulted if the man I was with was thinking about someone else during such a touching moment. Yet he states he has never cheated on his wife since they got married.
My question to you guys is due you think someone can go from gay to straight? I have listed some of the sights that give counseling on converting gays and lesbian. What do you think? Do you think my friend is being fair to his wife and to himself, because honestly I don’t have a clue?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ex-gay_movement
http://www.gayintostraightamerica.com/584.html
http://www.lesbiannewspaper.com/2009/03/converting-gays-and-lesbians.html
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Kesha-
ReplyDeleteThis is a pretty serious situation. My first question is, does his wife have any knowledge that he went to these groups to try and 'convert' him, or any idea that before their marriage, that he was known as a homo sexual man?
I think this is interesting, because there is the idea of bi-sexuality as well. Does he find her attractive? -In a sexual way? Or did he fall in love with her personality and married her because it was easily accepted.
My sisters very good friend is now dating a young woman. For as long as I had known her she was dating guys/men. Though this doesn't change her sexual preference, some descriptions of her would be beautiful, popular, she was on the cheerleading squad with my sister, and dated a wonderful, smart, popular guy in high school.
When she explains her girlfreind and the relationship, she says that its not that she is attracted to 'women', its that she is attracted to that specific WOMAN. The person her girlfriend is, is so wonderful, and attractive, smart, etc. and that is why she loves her and is in a relationship. She doesn't love her for the simple concept that it is a woman, yet she doesn't love her "in spite" of the fact either.
I wonder now, is this the difference between homosexuals, and bisexuals? Are homosexuals attracted to a humans sex and gender? Is that what turns them on?
This is why I am curious about your friend. You say he admitted to imagining his wife as a man while having sex. Is this because he does not find females attractive in a sexual way? or is it because he is not fully in love with her...
I feel that situations like this are hard for both partners. Its hard for the homosexual partner because they are, in some cases, trying to force themselves into a relationship because its socially acceptable, but I really feel for the partner they are joined to, for many reasons. I dont think that it is fair for a person to fall in love with someone who isn't truly being themselves. Also, that person may be truly in love with their husband or wife, but on the flip side, to them, they are with them because they are trying to "become" heterosexual, or accepted, or hide their homosexuality and desires. I would be fully heartbroken if i fell in love with a man, and later found out that he married me in attempts to be viewed as "normal" and that he wasn't fully attracted to me. It wastes the persons time and emotions, and complicates many things. If i had children with a man aswell, that would make matters even worse.
Don't get me wrong, I see the struggle of both sides, and I see the struggle for your friend, and people in his position, but you can't change who you are or what you like, it's not entirely fair to lead someone into that hardship and struggle unknowingly.
In total, I think its a bad situation. But no, I don't think you can "change" someone from being gay or straight. However, to every rule, there are exceptions. I may have a "type" of tall, tan men with dark hair and blue eyes. Search for these people, date these people, fantasize about these types of men, but then one day I might meet an African American man, or Indian man, or Asian man, or some type of man who I never found caught my eye in the past, but suddenly does.
It's a hard question to answer with a yes or no.
Sorry if I rambled on for a while.
Good Eureka comment!
-Taran
Response to Taran
ReplyDeleteI can honestly say that I don’t know. I have had a lot of gay male friends. I have never had any friends that were lesbians. However I would hope my comfort ability wouldn’t change. I grew up around all men so I don’t relate well to the getting dressed in front of women. It makes me uncomfortable when any woman (gay or straight) takes her clothes off in front of me. When I was in high school I always thought it was strange when people did that. Just because we are both girls doesn’t mean I want to see you naked. I think it comes from me being raised to “guard my goodies” as my mother would call. I remember when I was little my mother would always tell me “don’t let anyone see your goodies; they are for your eyes only.” I’ve never grown out of that I guess. Obviously a man finally got to see my “goodies” because I have two kids, but I still get very uncomfortable when people (mainly women) get undressed in my presence. Usually when women do it I don’t say anything, however I try to look at anything but them. My girlfriend does it all the time and she wants to talk while she’s doing. I personally find it strange.
Taran
ReplyDeleteTo answer some of your questions in response to my post. I have known him for about 9 years. The first six years that we knew each other he lived his life as an openly gay male. He tells me that he has always loved men and actually his wife was the first woman that he had been with. I don't think he is bisexual. I personally think he did it for religious reasons and not because he really desires women.
Response to Teandra,
ReplyDeleteI personally think there are definitely different types of cheating such as; emotional, kissing, oral or actual sex. However I think all of them are bad no matter what the level. Personally I think your friend knows this. I wonder if he would think it was cheating if his wife got the same thing done to her. If his answer is yes (which I am sure it will be) then he is just saying those things to make himself feel better about what he did. After all he has to live with and I think that sometimes people try to justify their wrong doings so that they don’t feel guilty or to avoid taking accountability for their actions.
These comments are in response to the entire week's blog, including comments made by others. I have so many emotions right now in response to this that I am not sure I will be able to relay them efficiently.
ReplyDeleteI personally don't know if someone can go from gay to straight, or visa versa, however I know Kinsey says we all fall somewhere on the scale and some researches have stated that the scale may slide at different times in our lives. Relationships mean different things to different people. I have heard that some recent research shows that in comparison to men, more women are more likely to find themselves attracted to a person, instead of a group of people. Men on the other hand tend to be attracted to similar attributes life long. When I say groups I mean consistently being attracted to people who are either males/female, african-american/caucasian/latino, short/tall etc. I don't remember the researchers name but she was recently on Oprah (unfortunately I cannot get to oprah.com from work). She seamed to think that for men homosexual tendencies were likely to be life long.
On a more personal note, my boyfriend's aunt was married for ~10 years to a man who only married because he didn’t feel he would be accepted by society if he was truly himself. The part of himself that he was hiding and ashamed of was his lifelong attraction to men. He was committed to his wife during the first half of their marriage but about five years in he could not longer go on like he was, and began to have affairs with men. Eventually they divorced, and are now friendly and supportive of each other. Both their children are supportive of both parents as well, however I imagine that when this was going on it was quite an emotional ordeal for all involved. I am hoping that in time, society will change it's views on homosexuality. These views have led to millions of suicides and unhappy marriages and lives. I think we all have the freedom to believe what we wish, but we should not interfere with each others lives. We should treat each other with respect for who they are. In a perfect world! On the other hand I can say that I understand someone who is deeply religious thinking that homosexuality is morally wrong and wanting to help these people "save their souls" or someone who is different in any way wanting to do anything to be considered "normal". I think a lot of us lie about who we really are deep down inside, and it takes years to become comfortable and accepting of ourselves. We are our own worse critic.
No I don’t believe you can change yourself from gay to straight. You are born a homosexual; this is not like changing your hair color or your clothes. You cannot change your emotions on how you feel sexually about another person. Your happiness should be when you are living your life based on truth and reality not based on lies about who you are. It usually never works out long term. Your friend is not being true to his own feelings and especially not being mentally faithful to his wife. But he needs to realize this for himself. You should encourage him to follow his feelings and be true to them especially for his wife’s sake. He needs to think about her feelings and how she would feel if she knew he was thinking about other men when they are engaged in an intimate situation. He truly is not being open-minded and rational to his own feelings. There is nothing wrong with being homosexual and maybe that’s where he needs to get professional help to try to address this issue. There are a lot of reasons why he might not be accepting what his emotions are telling him. I think just being there for him and listening to him is a great way for him to express himself without anybody judging him. The more open he is about it; maybe he will realize that he could have a happy life or relationship with a man.
ReplyDelete-Nicole
Response to Tonya,
ReplyDeleteThat’s a tough question. Honestly if it were me I wouldn’t say anything at this point. I would have said something to him when it first started happening. If what he said was making you ladies uncomfortable you should have let him know from the start. I would have pulled him to the side and told him how I felt, as nicely as possible. I would have also told him that if he didn’t cool it I would go straight to HR. That way he knows what he is saying is wrong and he has a chance to fix his behavior. If he continued then I would have told. I really don’t think you should do it now that he is in another department and his behavior is no longer offensive to you. You said he doesn’t seem all that sexist anymore so why do it now and not then. If none of you ladies never told him how you felt how was he supposes to know he was doing something wrong or that his comments weren’t welcomed or offensive. I have a male manager and I have no problem telling him when he is out of line and he respects me more for that.