I am presently doing the Goldie Hawn / Kurt Russell thing or as my grandmother used to say I’m shacking up. My sweetie and I have been together for ten years and have lived together for eight of those years and we haven’t gotten married, and to be honest we aren’t in a rush to get married.
The other day while at a family cookout I was approached by an Aunt of mine whom I don’t see often. She’s in her early sixties and is very opinionated …as I assume most aunts of a certain age can be. Anyway she asked me if I was still “shacking up” with that boy. I told her that we were indeed still living together; in fact we purchased a house two years ago together. She proceeded to wonder out loud “Why don’t you make that man make an honest woman out of you?”
First I must say I am not a liar, so I don’t know how his marring me will make me an honest woman. Why can’t me marring him make him an honest man? Her statement made me feel as if I am somehow sullied by living with a man, yet he remains untarnished by our present living arrangement. Her statement also implies that I would have to force him to marry me, which is also not the case. I politely told my aunt that we are happy the way we are and I didn’t mind not being married. Even though she dropped the subject she gave me a doubtful look as if to say she didn’t think a woman could be happy without being married.
My aunt isn’t the only person who assumes these things. I have noticed that most people will automatically assume that he is the one that doesn’t want to get married or that our situation needs to be fixed in some way, and marriage is the only way to fix it.
Don’t get me wrong I want to get married one day and I support the institution of marriage. It just isn't a major priority right now. I feel like if I ran down to the justice of the piece today to get married, I would be doing it to shut people up and not because it is something I want to do. I wanted to finish school before I got married and a series of unfortunate and fortunate events occurred through the years that kept me from accomplishing my goals and postponed any nuptials. I feel like it is what it is and I really don't see what the big deal is.
In my quest to see what other people may think about this I visited a few websites and I was surprised to find a lot of sights that really spoke very harshly about people who chose to shack up. Dr. Laura is one of them http://www.drlaurablog.com/category/shacking-up/ although I found her views to be very archaic and over the top, she wasn’t the only sight that didn’t approve of shaking up. http://www.gospelpreceptor.com/Northrp6.htm . Since I’d found so many sights that disapproved of cohabitating I was pleasantly surprised to find a sight that was all about the positive aspects of living together. http://www.unmarried.org/experts.html
I personally don’t think that all women are waiting around for a ring. Do you feel that all committed couples should be married and why? Do you automatically assume that if a couple isn’t married it is because the man is holding out? Also I am curious if anyone agrees with any of the points of views on any of the sights above?
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I really loved your post and the references that you posted not only because i directly effects you but because i am going throught the same exact thing! I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years living together for 6. We have talked extensively about getting married but have come to the agreement that we would like to be more financially set before we decide to get hitched. Although we see this as a great plan and feel that we are doing right by waiting until we can afford it there are many people on both sides of our family that don's agree. We have aunts and uncles that think we are not living together because if they knew we were they would call us sinners and everything else along those lines. We also have family that tell us to get married or seperate. It almost seems as though they thing the only right thing for us to do at this point in time is get married because we have been together for so long.
ReplyDeletePersonally we are happy as a couple, happier than a lot of married couples that rushed into their marriages so we dont see anything wrong with our living situation. It is our lives and our decision. I believe that some of them are jelous of what we have as a couple and thats why they want us to seperate or get married. It just seems as though everyone believes that the kind of happiness that we share as a couple shouldnt go without marriage!
My comment will be probably different than anyone else. My comment is not about what I think only, but it is about how the society I use to live in "Lebanon" think about this.
ReplyDeleteIn my Country Lebanon, people don't allow couple to live together unless they are married, and they don't allow them to dates for long time too. If a couple been dating for several years, they will say that the guy doesn't really wants the girl but he just want to have fun with her or he is dating her until he finds a better girl...I don't know why they only blame the boy and they don't say anything about the girl. It might be because in my country boys has more power than girls.
I don't agree with that, and I always fight with my parents and friends about it. I believe that the couple should live together before they get marry so they can know each other more.
Hi Taryn,
ReplyDeleteCall me naive but I would like to think that it didn’t have anything to do with his sexual preferences. I think most Americans like to root for the underdog. I am not a great fan of American Idol. However you can’t seem to escape it no matter how hard you try. Usually I will watch the first 4 or 5 episodes before I loose interest. I also think that Adam had more talent, but I didn’t like the type of music he sang. So my particular taste in music had a lot to do with why I didn’t like him, and not his talent. I personally stopped watching that show the year Sanjaya kept getting nominated to stay over and over again. He definitely didn’t have any talent and I couldn’t understand why people kept voting for him. He didn’t win but he stayed around a lot longer than he needed to. Adam isn’t the only strong singer that hasn’t won. The show has a history of letting really strong singers go, such as: Jennifer Hudson and Clay Aikens, just to name a few. I feel that both of those guys were very strong singers and should have won, but they didn’t. Although it can be argued that they didn’t win because she was a chunky black woman and he was also reported to be a homosexual I really don’t think that was the reason. I think their styles of music didn’t appeal to the masses. Clay seemed to be like the new Michael Bolton (whom I love) but a lot of people think he is cheesy or corny and I think Jennifer was too blues for many people.
Hi Robin,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback in reference to my blog. To respond to your blog I think that many parents feel like girls will suffer for it more than a boy will, could be true at times. People can be very judgmental and I must admit I am guilty of that at times myself...although I really try not to be. However a woman living with a man is usually scene as stupid, lowering her standards, being used and overall the victim. My all time favorite saying that people use to shed a negative light on this situation is, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” which implies that the woman is a fat cow and viewed as property. The irony is that a guy is viewed as good guy for being able to commit, go figure.
Kesha,
ReplyDeleteI admire you. You can tell you are a strong willed woman who doesn't do things to please others, yet doesn't avoid things to spite them either. You do what makes you happy. Most likely the reason your aunt approached you in that way is due to her age and generation. This is a new day and age where living together before marriage, having children before marriage, and even never getting married is a growing popularity.
I feel its unfortunate for some women who constantly dwell on acceptance of a man, and expect that unless a man moves to the next step, its going no where, or he doesn't love them. In reality, maybe each step gets bigger each time (which is does) and as things grow bigger, it takes longer to move through. I think that its wonderful that you are a woman who is satisfied and trusting in your relationships that you dont feel it necessary to have a marriage license to justify your relationship. So many people get stir crazy, bored etc. With the divorce rate on the rise, i see no need for rushing or pushing someone into anything.
-Taran
Kesha,
ReplyDeleteI don't find anything wrong with living with a man or in your words "shacking up". If you are happy with your relationship then that's all that matters. When or if you are you both decide to marry then both of you make that choice together. But until then life is too short to think about how others view your "happy" unmarried life. The older generations I don't think understand how much the world has change since they were young. It's a different time we live in then compared to when they were your age. Back then, you went to school maybe graduated; then got married; and then raised a family. Now. it's whichever path we choose to follow. And this path might not be the one others want us to follow but it is our choice to choose not theirs.
Hi Kesha,
ReplyDeleteI'm proud of you for sticking your ground when talking with your aunt. I’ve been in that situation and I’ve buckled and just walked away with out saying anything. Here’s my story: I have been with my boyfriend for seven years. We lived together between years 1.5 to about 6.5. At about three years we were engaged but I broke it off because I felt we both had some growing to. Three years after breaking it off, I realized I was the one doing all the changing. I hate to admit it but I had become co-dependant and was "waiting" for him to change. I finally realized I needed to get back in touch with myself and moved out on my own. (I read a lot of good books, namely "Loving him without Loosing Yourself", if anyone is interested.) Anyhow, we are still together, being monogamous, but live in separate houses. Before I moved out his mother was constantly asking me when I was going to marry her son and his dad was always pressuring to give him some grandchildren. This made me very uncomfortable and it actually helped me with the decision to move out. I still get a lot of grief from his family, mostly his mother. I think society’s expectations of relationships and marriage are changing but many are trying to hold onto previous expectations because it is more comfortable.
On a side note, our relationship is great. We are both getting back in touch with ourselves and appreciating each other more. At the end of my lease I will make the decision to stay put, move in together again, or move on. I am thankful that I live in a society where I can live alone at 30, not be married, and not be a freak in society.
Tonya